I wrote this in my journal tonight. It's possible someone else may find this useful.
I think that's what brings me hope. Maybe it's just resolve. And maybe those are the same thing. People who want to do better, and see better things come for the people around us. Faith in a God who loves us and has not abandoned us, even when people use his name to justify evil. Regardless, I'm not alone in this, even though a lot of people want to make use feel like we are.
The simple reality is, what I'm standing against is just evil, and the one thing about evil is, it's boring. No sense of humor, no love, and thus no staying power. They'll be gone at some point and, Lord willing, we'll still be standing.
On being grateful for change
I saw someone post a quote recently and, while I can’t remember exactly who or the exact wording, the gist of it has been bouncing in my head for a few days. The quote read, more or less, “I am thankful for all the people I used to be.”
And, hoo-boy.
I routinely describe myself as a recovering asshole. Someone asked me recently, half-jokingly, “When did you know you had crossed that bridge?” Honestly I don’t even know that I have crossed it, or if I’m even close to that bridge. But I am trying.
Part of that is trying to work on gratitude. The cultivation of gratitude is something that has had an outsized impact on my life. It seems like a small thing, and at first I guess it is small. But as you go on, it has a cumulative affect that can be surprising.
I got an email earlier today from 750words.com. I hadn't thought about that site in years. It's simple: Write 750 words (about 3 pages) every day. Apparently they recently reworked their site, and are trying to get folks to come back and try it.
So I signed in. I found my first entry, from October 27, 2011. The first sentences transported me back. I wrote that Amber and I had decided to leave First Baptist Richmond Hill.
So I kept reading. Looking back almost 14 years, I can see the beginnings of my deconstruction and struggles with what I was seeing. The election of Trump in 2016 slammed me hard, but I can see the threads going back much farther.
I wrote, in part:
Been thinking a lot about activism recently. It really is true: I'm too conservative for liberals, too liberal for conservatives. Which basically makes me a man without a party. I think that's fine. Parties are essentially a collection of stances on issues, and I dislike and distrust such broad strokes on complicated matters.
I would really like to take a more active stance on social issues. I think part of my reluctance has been fear of how that would be perceived, especially at church. I may have the reputation of not caring much what people think, but the reality is more complicated. Sometimes it's not fear...
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... I just don't want to always argue. I'll happily pontificate, and will debate and discuss. But arguing, which is the normal level of political discourse today, isn't something I relish. It's likely, though, that I just need to get over that.
I don't remember writing any of this. It would be odd if I did remember it, 14 years later.
I went on to write about my thoughts on Micah 6:8.
Mankind, He has told you what is good
and what it is the Lord requires of you:
to act justly,
to love faithfulness,
and to walk humbly with your God.
How I felt justice was important, and how I struggled with the "walk humbly" part.
I read a few more entries, and I'm looking forward to going back through the rest. For now, though, I'm thankful. I wish I could go back and talk to past me. I'd warn him that rough days were coming. And I'd tell him, you're going to get through OK.
There was a window of time in there where I strongly considered abandoning Christianity entirely. It was honestly the most appealing option I saw. At times I simply figured that, if the churches I was around were right, they had the Spirit of the Living God inside of them, then it apparently was not worth all that much. A lot of these people were simply cruel and shallow.
Even now, I struggle to reconcile people who claim the name of Christ, and yet vote for a man advocating policies that are cruel, aimed at hurting people. The hate is impossible to ignore.
Yet, I've found Christ to be steadfast. I still lean on what I learned when I decided to spend a year reading only theological books by folks who were not white men. Learning that the tradition I had learned was indeed anemic, but others were deep, faithful, and loving.
Past me, writing those words, had no idea what he was in for. Naturally, current me doesn't know, either. But I can look back and read what I wrote 14 years ago, and know that God has brought me through thus far. I don't see him stopping anytime soon.
Some things I read are funny to me now. I don't worry about the alcohol thing. I don't just use the ESV (I found this really funny). My views on many things have changed. Still, I recognize myself, even with the changes. I wrote those things when I was 35, and I'm less than 18 months from 50 now. So much has happened.
I'm thankful for it all. Thankful to still be here. Thankful to still be a Christian. And thankful for a random email from a website inviting me back to read what I wrote so long ago. I'm glad I journaled what I did, and look forward to getting back on the wagon.
“Woe to you! You build tombs for the prophets, and your fathers killed them.”
Luke 11:47 CSB
This verse has been on my mind since I woke up this morning. It’s MLK Day, and also the day we inaugurate a President who opposes everything Dr. King stood and fought for. Today some will celebrate a man who was killed while striving for what he believed in. Others will celebrate a racist, convicted felon who had only ever fought for himself.
Jesus condemned the religious leaders who claimed to honor the prophets, knowing their fathers killed those prophets. If this doesn’t describe America’s view of MLK I don’t know what does. We will quote him, have holidays in his honor, and do everything except imitate him.
Jesus goes on to say that, because of their complacency in the killing of the prophets and the blasphemy of pretending to honor them, “Yes, I tell you, this generation will be held responsible” (vs51).
All these people who rely on Medicare and Social Security, voting for Trump, who intends to gut those programs to benefit himself. That generation which hated MLK when he was alive will indeed bear the cost of their approval of the killing of a prophet.
We’re going to see this more and more, and quickly. Most people who voted for Trump voted against their own interests. I believe, basically, it’s because he hates the same people they hate. And I mean, fair enough. But how someone can claim to know Christ and chose hate is beyond sad. To do that and believe that, somehow, they are not electing their own judgement, is staggeringly stupid.