Fourteen Years Later
I got an email earlier today from 750words.com. I hadn't thought about that site in years. It's simple: Write 750 words (about 3 pages) every day. Apparently they recently reworked their site, and are trying to get folks to come back and try it.
So I signed in. I found my first entry, from October 27, 2011. The first sentences transported me back. I wrote that Amber and I had decided to leave First Baptist Richmond Hill.
So I kept reading. Looking back almost 14 years, I can see the beginnings of my deconstruction and struggles with what I was seeing. The election of Trump in 2016 slammed me hard, but I can see the threads going back much farther.
I wrote, in part:
Been thinking a lot about activism recently. It really is true: I'm too conservative for liberals, too liberal for conservatives. Which basically makes me a man without a party. I think that's fine. Parties are essentially a collection of stances on issues, and I dislike and distrust such broad strokes on complicated matters.
I would really like to take a more active stance on social issues. I think part of my reluctance has been fear of how that would be perceived, especially at church. I may have the reputation of not caring much what people think, but the reality is more complicated. Sometimes it's not fear...
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... I just don't want to always argue. I'll happily pontificate, and will debate and discuss. But arguing, which is the normal level of political discourse today, isn't something I relish. It's likely, though, that I just need to get over that.
I don't remember writing any of this. It would be odd if I did remember it, 14 years later.
I went on to write about my thoughts on Micah 6:8.
Mankind, He has told you what is good
and what it is the Lord requires of you:
to act justly,
to love faithfulness,
and to walk humbly with your God.
How I felt justice was important, and how I struggled with the "walk humbly" part.
I read a few more entries, and I'm looking forward to going back through the rest. For now, though, I'm thankful. I wish I could go back and talk to past me. I'd warn him that rough days were coming. And I'd tell him, you're going to get through OK.
There was a window of time in there where I strongly considered abandoning Christianity entirely. It was honestly the most appealing option I saw. At times I simply figured that, if the churches I was around were right, they had the Spirit of the Living God inside of them, then it apparently was not worth all that much. A lot of these people were simply cruel and shallow.
Even now, I struggle to reconcile people who claim the name of Christ, and yet vote for a man advocating policies that are cruel, aimed at hurting people. The hate is impossible to ignore.
Yet, I've found Christ to be steadfast. I still lean on what I learned when I decided to spend a year reading only theological books by folks who were not white men. Learning that the tradition I had learned was indeed anemic, but others were deep, faithful, and loving.
Past me, writing those words, had no idea what he was in for. Naturally, current me doesn't know, either. But I can look back and read what I wrote 14 years ago, and know that God has brought me through thus far. I don't see him stopping anytime soon.
Some things I read are funny to me now. I don't worry about the alcohol thing. I don't just use the ESV (I found this really funny). My views on many things have changed. Still, I recognize myself, even with the changes. I wrote those things when I was 35, and I'm less than 18 months from 50 now. So much has happened.
I'm thankful for it all. Thankful to still be here. Thankful to still be a Christian. And thankful for a random email from a website inviting me back to read what I wrote so long ago. I'm glad I journaled what I did, and look forward to getting back on the wagon.
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