Bears on a Ship (2025)
- Director:
- Eduardo Castrillo
- Runtime:
- 75
- Genre:
- Action
- Writer:
- Eduardo Castrillo
- Starring:
- Erin Nolan, Franco Allen, Samantha Aper
I think that what makes a move a bad movie is a pretty subjective thing. By that I mean, everyone has their criteria for what is enjoyable, and it may have little or even nothing to do with production values, the dialouge, or the plot. Personally, while I enjoy your stereotypical great cinema, I do have a softspot for a goofy movie that is just comfortable with what it is.
And man, did I hit the jackpot with Bears on a Boat.
If you know the title you know the plot.
It's as gloriously goofy as you can imagine. The first scene is two hunters walking in the jungle, for some reason with their rifles pointing everywhere. They're wearing camo, but open shirts with white t-shirts underneat. The older guy has an American flag patch his sleeve, backwards. Major pet peeve of mine.
After the first bear killing of the movie, the younger man says, "God damn, Chuck. What the hell am I supposed to tell the bowling team now?"
There's an airline strike in Mexico, and an odd mix of people get on a boat for the price of 1,000 pesos, about $58.06 US. Naturally a bear-loving guy is there.
There's not much more to say, really. Except that the bear sounds like it's breathing through a paper towel tube. I laughed harder than I've laughed in a while. I loved every minute of it.
Quotes
"Make sure the kitchen has enough fajitas for my men down here!"
Of the ship: "Yeah babe, these things have to run on time or they'll be late."
One person screams, someone says "Something is attacking people on the upper deck." Then promptly gets snatched away by a bear arm. Guy is yelling "There's bears, man!"
Someone throws his hat down, yells, "Get in your rooms, now!" Picks up his hat, puts it on, runs off.
Man A yelling in man B's face: You mean to tell me you brought a live bear on this ship, and it's just running around out of control?" Man B, equally angry: "Sounds like it!"
Tucker: "This is completely different than the bear cruise I went on last year" Girl: "What?" Tucker: "What?" (I don't know why I only remember Tucker's name)
Captain: "Alright. I found a few of my men eaten alive on my ship. Who wants to tell me what's going on?"
Captain: "Those bears facing your men, and those bears facing me, are two differeng things." "Oh yeah, why's that?" Captiain, pumping shotgun: "Because I'm Mexican." Everyone nods
Girl 1: "Have you seen Smokey, is he here?" Girl 2: "Do don't think that was him, do you?" Girl 3: "Uh... I dont' think it was NOT him"
Someone's brother on the phone: "What in the Wide, Wide World of Sports is going on over there?"
"Alright, nobody move, or Goldilocks gets it!" "She's not even blonde, you fucking idiot"
"I'm going out into that hall. If you hear me screaming, at all, you let my black ass back in here." "You are goddamn lieing, I'm not letting you back in." "You're own people... wow."
"Stacy... you're all... eaten."